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Special day today - IDAHO [17 May 2009|01:11pm] Today appears to be a special day: It is the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia (“IDAHO”), and it seems they chose to highlight transphobia this year. I would never have noticed it if they had not managed to get their statement in Le Monde (French newspaper), and get it signed by a range or rather "important" people. Of course, when you see the comments on the piece in Le Monde (and those are comments by subscribed readers of Le Monde, supposedly a rather highbrow newspaper), you realize the huge discrepancy between the ideas expressed in the appeal, and the mentality of French "intellectuals": One person compares TS people with people with delusions, another says he does not have to care how other people identify and he will identify them as he pleases, another says this announcement is politically motivated (! right... let's go for the trans vote...), a last one says he is tired with self-proclaimed martyrs... To think that I sometime wonder why I had to leave France... the stuffed atmosphere in the supposedly "thinking elite" in that country makes me nauseous... not to mention how I would have had to endure my whole "Real Life Test" (two years) without being able to change my name and details on any official documents... I am so glad that, (crosses fingers), I will soon be able to apply for British citizenship, and finally leave behind that French nationality I have come to resent and despise. Can't wait. The British legislation and state of mind still leaves to be desired, but it is way way way in advance on France. True, treatment by the NHS is still very limited, and depends very much on which part of the country you reside in. This means that whether you manage to transition in acceptable conditions or not depends in large part on your financial means. But at least from a legal point of view (if not in practice, I know something or two about this), TS people are protected from discrimination (in most circumstances, that is), and the UK does have a well established, rule-based (not subject to the arbitrary of judges like in France), path to gender change recognition. Yup, glad to be able to live and transition in the UK, for all its faults. But also glad to see that the mentality in France may slowly be evolving... maybe... for example, comments on a similar recent piece in a French leftist newspaper (Libération) are slightly more intelligent, in that at least there is a mix of opinions. PS: Very cool video of "Minute de cri contre la transphobie le 16 mai 2009 (avec OUTrans & Etudions Gayment)": http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x9b6dz (from Caphi). (Write my body )

Belgian police [30 Apr 2009|06:19pm] I was returning from Belgium to London yesterday, and going through the passport control at the Eurostar terminar in Brussels. The Belgian police detained me for three hours there because my (French) passport had the marker "male" while I presented as female. I explained to them that I was a transsexual woman who had transitioned two years ago in the UK and had all the necessary papers to prove so, but that the French administration did not let me change my gender marker on my passport. However, they would keep on addressing me as "Monsieur" in public in front of all the passengers. They put me in a cell for three hours and threatened to strip search me if I did not sign a paper that said that I had caused a "public disturbance" at the station. They also threatened to keep me in the cell until the last train back to London had left, so I would have to spend the night in a cell with male inmates. In the end, I managed to get out without signing that piece of paper, but this was really frightening! The guy who was heading this passport control station at Eurostar was called Jean-Luc Quintjin. I am now looking for ways to make a formal complaint against those people. (Write my body | 13 wrote on me)

Anxiety [19 Apr 2009|01:25pm] So after posting on transgender about how I react to news in the TS community, I decided to limit my following of current events by not following anymore, at the moment, both TransGriot and Questioning Transphobia. I still have a few TS blogs on my "feed" list, but they are more like blogs by TS people than blogs about TS issues. I feel quite sorry about this, but at the moment, I just can't handle the stress of reading all those infuriating news about horrible things that happen to TS people, especially as there is not much I can do about them. I am just not at the stage where I want to be an activist. I have got enough on my plate as it is. Once during teaching at a Buddhist center I went to, the teacher said that it was not necessarily good to follows news all the time and get involved in them, and that sometime it can be good to just withdraw a bit so as to be able to deal with things that one can actually do something about. At least, a good thing out of this is that recently, I have noticed that I am quite an anxious person, and that anxiety is indeed something that can be crippling and distort one's perception of and reaction to events. This was not something I was consciously aware before. I mean, I was anxious, but I didn't really put a name on it. I will see now what I can do about it, but I already know that maintaining good living habits (meals on time, sport, not too much caffeine, etc) can make a difference. This is especially important for me now as being out of a job at the moment means there is much less to structure my life, and I have less interactions with people. Therefore, I may develop unhealthy living rhythms and my perception of others may diverge out of reality without that divergence being checked in by repeated interactions. Which also means it is especially important for me to go at least once a week to the Buddhist Centre or the Zen meditation group I frequent, and also to maintain contacts with my few real friends. Applying to jobs and going to interviews is also a good thing (I am going to a conference next week, and going to an interview the week after, and staying at a friend in between). I must say though that being alone a bit and having time to develop long lost or new interests is kind of good too. What with all the issues I had when fighting for my job, there wasn't much time for relaxing and thinking about other things. (Write my body | 1 wrote on me)

Angie [18 Apr 2009|11:54am] Family members and friends echoed repeatedly, “my sister,” “Angie,” one by one on the stand Friday as public defenders Annette Kundelius and Brad Martin questioned them about “Justin.” (Greeley Tribune, via Questioning Transphobia) This story is so enraging. The defence for a man who killed a transsexual woman in Colorado deliberately uses male pronouns and her previous, male, name during the trial. They argue the murderer, Allen Andrade, was "misled" by Angie Zapata, and this motivated killing her. By their argument, I should go around with a flashing sign saying "hey, I am a pre-op transsexual woman". Otherwise, any man who would feel attracted to me would have a right to kill me in revenge for "misleading" him about my genitals and past gender. I know I shouldn't care what would happen if I got killed by a transphobic murderer, but I am afraid most in my family would not stand up for me like the family of Angie Zapata did, and they wouldn't correct the defence by using my female name... this is really sad... hey, at least, if I get murdered in the UK, the defence would have to use my female name and title because I filed a deed poll for a change of name. Most in my family would probably "correct" the prosecution by using male pronouns and my previous, male, name... that is, judging by some's present behavior. I am really very admiring of the family of Angie Zapata, they stand strong and courageous in this trial. I am in two mind about following the news in the transgender community... all those stories about violence, murder and discrimination against TS people are really very upsetting, and they make me feel very insecure and angry. In daily life, I have never been faced with violence, and only very rarely with verbal abuse, probably because I pass really quite well. But knowing that an idiot might decide, on learning that I am TS, that I deserve to die, makes me very nervous indeed. (Write my body | 2 wrote on me)

"Human" resources [17 Apr 2009|04:04pm] When applying for jobs, I really don't like filling in those "equal opportunity" monitoring forms. They ask whether you "identify as a gender different from the one assigned at birth" (and that is in the best case scenario, some ask "are you a woman/man/trans?"...) What guarantee is there that this does not impact the selection process? Given my experience in my previous employment, where people in the Human Resource department were completely clueless and unhelpful with regard to my transition, how do I know they would keep my data secure? They were actually the people who caused me the most problems in my transition!!! The human resource person who was assigned to me was also the person who helped my manager build his case to dismiss me!!! GREAT! I love also how they claim to use this data "for statistical purposes only". I mean, suppose I am hired, and then they release statistics saying "oh, and this year, we hired one TS person in this department...". That would obviously out me, in a way that saying "we hired such and such number of women" would not "out" a non-TS woman. The same would occur if, when hired, they would set up a "special workshop" to "educate" people in dealing with TS people ("oh but nothing to do with this new person we just hired, no no, nothing!"). On the other hand, I don't want to contribute further to the invisibility of TS people in general... and if I don't say I am TS, then people will think there is no point maintaining policies to protect TS people and educate non-TS people... I mean, in my previous place of employment, they didn't have any policies re. TS people before I transitioned, and I had to put them in contact with advisers regarding the matter. I was told this was the first time they ever faced the "issue"... no big wonder nobody told them they were TS, when in their existing documents they would list TS as separate from "man" and "woman"... Anyway, this is quite stressful for me... this whole experience at my previous job makes me very unhappy... I wish I could just apply for jobs without fear of discrimination... I wish also people would stop telling me not to worry about this, and would stop insisting they do not have any prejudices and they have "policies" for that... having "policies" does not make it much better... I was so stressed in my previous job with the fear that I would have to make a complaint for discrimination against somebody... not to mention how upset I was when people changed their attitude to me... and there was no way for me to challenge them over this. Just having "policies" in place does not solve an issue like that. :-( I can't wait until I get a new job. I really don't like my present situation... on the other hand, I keep busy, travel to see friends, have time to think about things I didn't have time for in my job. Best of all, I finally am free from the deleterious atmosphere that had built up at work. But I still feel very resentful. (Write my body | 2 wrote on me)

Oh dear... [31 Mar 2009|07:19pm] I made an application for a job in Germany, and they wanted my exam certificates. I told them there was an issue as those were under my former name. The answer I get from the person who is handling the applications: "But one question remains and I hope you understand that I have to ask this. When you have changed name and gender, how can we are aware that the degrees are yours?" I mean, does she think this is some kind of comedy where I would pretend to be TS in order to apply under the name of some deceased man? It would have taken too long to query what kind of crazy scenario she had in mind, so I told her I would send her a proof of change of name along with my transcripts... (Write my body )

I will never get the hang of friendships [28 Mar 2009|02:17pm] I think I will never get the hang of friendships and managing relations. Right in the last two days, I was worried about a friend of mine who forgot to reply to one of my emails re. where and when we were supposed to meet Sunday, and I was imagining lots of things, some legitimate, some rather paranoid, like she had decided not to come, or I had done something to piss her off... I was trying also to get a hang on myself, reminding myself that I am prone to obsessing about small slights, reminding myself also of how nice the last few times we met were, reminding myself also that she seems to really like me. But all this was intermingled with rage and incomprehension, feelings of slight and being disrespected. Then finally I get an email telling me she had forgotten to reply and telling me where and when to meet... I don't really know what to do. I have really little self confidence in my relations to others, which often leads me to do stupid things because I feel disrespected, to which I react disproportionally. I am myself very reliable in my relations with friends, but they often are pissed off by how I don't seem to trust them, and how I can be really annoying in wanting to over-analyze things and bring everything in the open. For me though, it is very difficult to evaluate how another person is thinking, which is probably why, with people I care about, I tend to want too many reassurances, and can also put in doubt what they say. It is hard for me to know if it is me being oversensitive, or rather, me being insensitive and thus relying too much on an intellectual analysis of things. A counsellor I was seeing at one time told me I should put less trust in my instincts about people, because those are tinged with my own a-priori, past experiences, feelings about myself... to which I asked her "but then, what am I supposed to rely on?". I mean, am I supposed to think I am always all wrong in my instincts? Is there never any occasion where I am indeed being treated in a less than respectful way by others? And how should I react then? I don't think she was very helpful at all, and I don't yet know what to do. (Write my body )

Trying to migrate to Wordpress [25 Mar 2009|01:28pm] [ mood | disappointed ] I tried to migrate this account to Wordpress, but despite their advertising a worry-free transfer, with comment threading, they completely messed it up, with missing entries, no correct interpretation of links to fellow journals, and even going so far as to duplicate (end even "triplicate") all comments on my entries, and putting them all out of order, so the comments appear to come of nowhere. Well, for the time being, I am remaining here. Wordpress may be more sophisticated and better integrated in the general blogging community (for example, I wish I could close commenting on my entries 14 days after they have been posted, I hate receiving comments on old entries). But for the time being, I am just not ready to lose the memory embedded in this journal... In other news, I want to buy a new digital camera, because I dropped my Pentax Optio 60 that I had had for about three years, and it won't work anymore. I am going to buy the Canon Ixus 90 IS, because it is quite fast, and I like it sharp box shape. I can get it for cheaper than it was originally sold for because Canon already released the next generation (apparently, the 110 IS, where did the 100 go?). I never liked the Pentax very much, because it has terrible focusing abilities in low lights. But I had gotten used to it... I hope the Canon will be better. At the moment, I rely on my low resolution Nokia 2630 camera phone, which has nice colors and good focus, but is just too low res. This entry feels like it is sponsored... I promise it is not! In other news, lost my job, quite predictably, one year and a half after transitioning (this is because I had made sure to guarantee my employment for at least that time after transition, so they could not legally get rid of me. Pressure on me increased exponentially after transitioning, and the last few months were terrible, with me fighting to the finish to prove my ability... but they won in the end, and apparently very legally indeed, as they followed all due process, which is all that is required under English law, no matter the substance of my dismissal, which was quite clearly and by all third party's evaluation, unfair. I am very pissed off, but on the other hand I managed to negotiate a settlement, which gives me about six months wages, time for me hopefully to find a new job. The timing is atrocious obviously, what with the job market for my kind of job being from September to December, and the general job market being down in the dumps... I did go to try to obtain benefits, but I have too much savings to qualify, the only thing I can get being the job seeker allowance, a rather meager £60 per week!!! So apparently, I would be better off not saving, spending as much as possible on for example a car, in order to qualify... talk about the right incentives... Other bad news are legion, like realising the NHS will also be as obstructive as it can be in my treatment for Gender Dysphoria, so I will have to cover most of the expenses by myself. But there are good news too, for example my girlfriend coming shortly for one week, me visiting another dear friend in a month, the prospect of visiting another cool friend in two months... and also, I must say, the joy of being out of my previous job finally... the atmosphere there had become positively noxious, with any and all mistakes I would make being blown out of all proportion in order to motivate my dismissal. They were very systematic about it, but up to the end I thought the strength of my achievements would be enough of a protection... tough chance. So now, I am relaxing a bit, finding a new rythm (I do love working at night, which was not usually possible in my day-to-day job). I am learning to finally understand how Mac OS X works, and am also learning Python. I am also finally finding time to think about topics that I didn't have time for with the pressure of a job, so I hope, if I get a job rather quickly, that I would start it refreshed and with new ideas... Sadly enough, I am afraid that prejudice against TS people, while carefully checked in day to day interaction, will likely be a big damper on my ambitions... but I knew that when I decided to transition... which does not make those prejudices any less wrong (one of my sisters told me I deserved all I got because I should have known it would happen... what a strange logic... just because I knew I would face prejudice and decided to face it does not justify the prejudice in any way). I hope no one will tell me ever that I shouldn't think like that and that I should act as if prejudice didn't exist, or that I "shouldn't limit my ambitions with a bad attitude" or whatever such bullshit... I did fight for my job, and I will keep on fighting to stay on in the area of work I am in, but I am in no way responsible in any way for other people's attitude, and I am perfectly entitled to be aware and ready for prejudice when it strikes me. (Write my body | 2 wrote on me)

Pound vs Baht [22 Mar 2009|09:32pm] To go back on the FFS, I was kind of pissed off that right before I changed my pounds into baht to pay for the surgery, in May 2007, the pound had gone down to 65 baht rather than the previous 70 baht. I was all the more annoyed when it went back up right after I paid, to 70. Well, as the chart shows, I was actually quite lucky, because it is now down to 50 baht... Phew! My latest entry was entry 1111 in this journal! (Write my body )

FFS [08 Mar 2009|09:07pm] [ music | radio.mcot.net ] I just thought I would write a bit about my Facial Feminization Surgery, about one year and a half ago, because, while I was in Thailand, I was too exhausted to write anything cogent. I had prepared the surgery, its payment with a loan, and my trip, for a long time before going, at least six months in advance. I remember how relieved I was when I had arranged the finances; I was so nervous that for some reason my bank would turn me down, but it worked out to be very simple, as my banker was none too curious about the purpose of this money. I arrived in Bangkok at the beginning of July on a Qatar Airways flight, in male mode as I was afraid I would be arrested and harried otherwise. I was greeted by a Thai-Chinese little woman, a Suporn support staff, who took me in her car to Chonburi via a very large motorway. You have to pay relatively high tolls to employ some of the very nice, well maintained roads in Bangkok, so they are quite empty. Beneath the road are the “common roads” where the poor get stuck in traffic jams. She spoke good English; she asked me almost straight away whether I liked men or women! to which I answered that I was not sure! ( Read more... ) (Write my body )

MC Flow - 'Created Equal' [04 Jan 2009|03:05am] Real amazing uTube music video by MC Flow, hip-hop artist, to protest against the passing of Prop 8 in California. I love the lyrics, I love the variety of people who appear in the video, and I love her attitude. I have listened to it several times now, and I still feel moved every time. And I think the lyrics wouldn't be that difficult to learn by heart. More commentary here, along with further links. Reddit it here. (Write my body )

Shoes loving [28 Dec 2008|08:12pm] In other news, I found a nice pair of shoes on sale, at House of Fraser, at £35 down from £60. From the very nice shoe box, they are part of Kenneth Cole's Reaction collection and are called "Lucky Number". I like them because they are a step up in the "chic" scale from my previous shoes, but not so much up I could not wear them with my usual rather conservative attire. They are also quite comfortable, and have ce je ne sais quoi, that charm in the design that reminds me a bit of shoes that were worn at King Louis XIV's court, that is, according to pictures, and even though mine are rather more conservative, especially from the point of view of colors.* I like also that I have to fasten the laces in front, I quite like making knots (as I do like ribbons and all that fancy stuff (fanfreluche)). Finally, I think they are quite well constructed, at least, the way the leather pieces are sewn together makes sense to me. I am quite good with my shoes, so they should last me a while. (*) When I see how beautiful and fancy the shoes worn by nobility Frenchmen were, I have to wonder why today's men shoes are generally so ugly, heavy, badly designed and generally lacking grace and style... I must say, that was really a big gripe of mine when I was still living as a guy; the differentiation between men and women shoes was so great I couldn't wear women's shoes like I wore women's androgynous clothes, because that would have outed me straight away. So I had to make do with women's trainers and loafers, which was OK, but yet nowhere as cute as what I now can wear. (Write my body | 2 wrote on me)

Passing thoughts [28 Dec 2008|07:26pm] So, was at a café yesterday -- actually, Prêt à Manger, a sort of hybrid, kind of what Americans would call a deli maybe? -- having my usual 'Earl Grey plus two slices of bread' (Prêt à Manger, unusually among the many places with French pretensions in the UK, does have an acceptable bread). I was correcting proofs of an article and then reviewing a textbook, and next to me, on that over-busy Boxing Day day (!), came to sit a couple. She was quite cute I think, but not so cute to put me to shame. A bit on the plus side (I would actually love to be a bit more fleshed out). Apparently, they were on a first date together, having met on a website or someplace. Right when she started talking, I immediately suspected she was TS (yeah, voice, the big tell-tale sign), and apparently also, she was Thai (second hint confirming the first). Finally, they apparently clarified the situation during this conversation, and I am happy to report the guy was quite OK with it (seems like he suspected it beforehand as well). When I say 'apparently', I mean, from what I overheard (yeah, well, I do overhear stuff, OK?) So I was probably very indiscreet, and evaluating like this the likelihood of her being TS is not a nice thing to do, but 1) I don't see many TS girls around 2) It was fun watching the date progress 3) The guy was kind of cute so my competitive spirit flared up and I started to prim myself 4) She gave me a big complicit smile as I left 5) What can I say, I am not unlike others, I too do find TS people intriguing 6) At least I didn't come up to her and ask if she was TS 7) I don't know about the precise statistics, but it is not often two TS girls sit next to each other at random, especially in the UK, and both realise it. I was quite happy after this, thinking I am not alone and others like me are living through this, courageously and in an enterprising way. Maybe my happiness was from a feeling of solidarity; I automatically have more in common with a TS person, just because they are TS, than with about 99.6% of humanity (approximately...). I remember a conversation with my psy a while ago, when I told him I had seen a TS woman in the tube. I was really happy about that, so he asked me why, and up to now, I still don't know what makes me so happy noticing other TS girls... What struck me is how unsure she seemed to be and how she was sometime a bit awkward; me who thought all Thai TS girls were naturally comfortable and feminine! I guess they do have some of the same problems as us in the West, like not a lot of self-confidence and also quite a bit of fear. Always interesting to observe others, so as to see myself more clearly from an outside perspective. Maybe I should meet some TS girls, though up to now, the only ones I met was when I was in Thailand for FFS. It was surprisingly nice, BTW, I still remember those few weeks very fondly, remembering those people and the little I learned about them still makes me very happy. Amusingly (?) and somewhat creepingly (creepily?), I was at Costa café today - where I particularly like the Espresso con Panna - and there was a group of three guys of North-African origin who apparently were very interested in me and in discerning whether I was TS. I am not very experienced, so do not know when that kind of attention is ill-intentioned or benign or even appreciative, but in this case, I think this was mostly surprise and fascination, guys with a bit too much hormones chancing upon an opportunity for a bit of within group sexual banter. Still, it made me a bit uncomfortable as again, I do not know how to tease out reactions from hormonal guys. Anyway, I was actually quite proud of my appearance today, hair tightly held, careful make-up, rather chic clothes; I don't really mind people reading me when I know I look good. (Write my body )

Joseph "Benedict" Ratzinger [25 Dec 2008|12:29pm] The leader of the Catholic communion, the supposedly 'infallible' Mr Joseph "Benedict" Ratzinger, renewed his calls for denying the legitimacy of the existence of homosexual and transsexual people by calling them 'against nature' [BBC, Guardian, Ekklesia, Times] Nothing new here, but still, it saddens me to hear those views repeated and spread again. It doesn't matter to this guy that homosexual and transsexual people have existed since forever, and are certainly not something 'aberrant' or in contradiction with human "nature", if such a thing exists and is even worth consideration. What saddens me even more is to see the concept of "Nature" abused again in the cause of a religion or ideology. If there is something I learned from my courses in philosophy, it is that any argument that relies on a supposed "natural" state of thing is inherently totalitarian, since it justifies going against anybody or anything that is seen to be outside "nature", in the name of "nature". I mean, if "nature" needs protection, it is certainly not from humans she will receive it. How stupid can a man be to say that he will defend "nature"; if nature is nature, then she will defend herself very well, thank you. Saying that somehow humans can put themselves outside nature is inherently contradictory with the whole idea of nature. I guess Mr Benedict does not believe in God anymore, and now worships Nature, or at least his pagan idea of it? I mean, God has very often gone against "nature"; after all, isn't that the principle of a "miracle". God makes miracles, and miracles are against nature, they contravene the rules of physics. So, if God is responsible for miracles, shouldn't Mr Benedict excommunicate God? What saddens me very much is that, from my experience, pronouncements from ignorant people like Mr Joseph "Benedict" Ratzinger have a very direct negative consequence on my life, my access to treatment, the way people treat me. A lot of people still see whatever the Pope says as a justification for their attitude to homosexual and transsexual people; politicians use what he says to justify their policies, doctors are influenced by his position, the administration still has people who get their hints from the Catholic church. Sadly enough, people who wish to advance in society and make a career still prefer not to go against the Catholic church. It takes courage for a politician to just say things and act in ways that are against the Catholic church, and a lot of them just don't have that courage. Anyway, I think this touches me quite a bit because I always knew that the Catholic church is one of the main proponents of the denial of the right of homosexual and transsexual people to legitimately exist, but it is the first time I hear it so publicly pronounced. This would have come one days or another, and I would have had anyway to grapple with that issue that has such a strong effect on my life, even in a supposedly laicised society. Now, I feel a bit better having set out this argument on paper (or on the screen). And I understand better why, in the last few centuries, there has been a need for a large majority of intelligent, responsible people to move away from the Catholic church. It is staffed by people who are just too mediocre to be trusted with any pronouncement on the running of society or of people's inner life. [posted at transgender] (Write my body | 2 wrote on me)

Amy Winehouse [29 Nov 2008|09:25pm] I am so so so annoyed and disappointed in the stupidity of some part of the UK media, and how cruel they can be to anyone who stands out just a little, like Amy Winehouse who is obviously sooooo talented and a pleasure to hear, and yet gets thrashed in the media, who take ugly pics of her, even of her actually physically fighting her media harassers. And then those idiots, if she dies, will go all: OMG, OMG, this was because of the media, the same way they did with Lady Di... On the train back from Cambridge, I was seated next to a couple, with the man reading the Daily Mirror. I actually challenged him over his reading, asking him why he was reading such crap, but of course, as befits a Daily Mirror reader, his reaction was suitably bourgeois, telling me how 'offensive' I was, when he himself is reading an offensive piece of crap... that was quite fun though, in the end he had to move... ;-P I DO hate Daily Mirror readers... in fact, after this incident, I bought the paper to check I was justified in my challenging behavior, and could just not stomach the stupidity of that piece of white bourgeois British crap, so much so I had to throw it away in disgust... (Write my body )

Aow, well [19 Nov 2008|11:54pm] It so seems a iddy bit of disagreement over the use of certain turns of language emerged between I and my lovely darling of not so many days; there was an issue over the use and significance of the term 'little catch', as well as some other issue over a member that should not have been there but once found acquired unwanted importance into the eyes of the primary object of some apparently misplaced affection. Oh well, or should I say, Aoi well, bye, bye darling A., your words and sentiments will be missed, first experience of some passion. PS: Newest news are more positive. We had a clear expression of minds, and now back together, stronger. (Write my body )

Long time... love, like or fondness? [02 Nov 2008|09:33pm] I am very lucky to have met a wonderful woman who is now my girlfriend. We met at a business event, spent two nights together, and I will be coming to see her in Vienna in January. In the meantime, we correspond a lot via email. I think she is a very strong and interesting person, and what is more, I think she really is very fond of me. When we met, she apparently didn't realise I was TS, and it is only in bed that I had to tell her (as I had to get naked). This was really not a problem for her, actually she did not seem shocked at all. She even made a joke about how this was like in the 'Crying Game'! I was sooooo thankful for this. More generally, she made me feel really good about my body. I think she is interesting and likeable because she has got an interesting life story, used to do bodybuilding, has got a tattoo of Lilith on her arm, is into the Goth scene, and dresses very well indeed. I was her first lesbian experience, but I really thought she was a lesbian when I met her. My best experience up to now with her was walking proudly holding her arm in the streets, proud to be her girlfriend. I don't know if I can say I am in love with her, since we spent only two days together and mails are not the same, but I certainly would like to keep up this relationship with her and see where it goes. I am rather confident that she will be a good person for me, so I don't feel afraid of going further with her. I am only a bit worried for her, as she seems to spend quite a lot of time thinking about me and I am afraid this would become obsessive; the reason why I am afraid of this is that a girlfriend of one of my brothers actually went crazy when he left her, and had to spend time in an asylum to recover. That is why I am afraid of hurting someone who would be very fond of me; I guess I am just not used to the responsibilities that go with relationships. So, I have been busy with this correspondence with her, and haven't felt much of a need to journal, since my emails also chart my activities, in ways that are much more detailed than what I usually write here. I can't post those mails either, because well, they wouldn't make sense without hers, and I can't very well post hers. (Write my body | 2 wrote on me)

Unreliable [23 Aug 2008|10:36pm] There are some things that I cannot stand, like being unreliable, saying things one does not think, promising things one does not keep, betraying one's word, etc... Yesterday, I kept a count of those people who disappointed me, and the loss of a part of my family really hit me hard. OK, one of my brothers has been attentive and supportive, and I had a nice meeting with one of my sisters despite her reservations. The visit of my father was also a good point. But what to say about the brother I spent so much time with when I was young, or my little sister who does not want her kids to see me, or my little brother who, initially very enthusiastic and kind, has been completely unreachable? I don't care so much about my mother, whom I do not wish to see, or about another sister who always envied me. But still, it really caught me, this realisation that I have been abandoned by a large part of my family. Not that this is entirely due to my transition, mind, for I had lost touch with quite a lot of them. With friends and acquaintances as well, things have been hard. Not really with those I really was friend with, or had been in closer contact, mind. For those, things have been surprisingly fine. Yes, after a year, I have become more distant with some of them, maybe a change of mood, a change in their own circumstances. It is with some people I tried to be closer to that things have been more difficult. That girl who invited me to see her in Leeds, and then did not reply when I mailed her to arrange this. This guy who invited to see him in London and 'keep contact', and did not reply to my mails. That good friend of mine who has grown more distant (but then, she has done so with others as well)... Also, professionally, things have been difficult with some, not at the beginning mind, but once maybe they felt more comfortable ignoring me without making the change in attitude too obvious. I have been dealing with my fair deal of hypocrisy as well... Oh, and today, this guy who had transitioned to being a woman, got FFS and SRS and then reverted back... I sent him an email to ask why he calls me by my male name, and he replied that all transsexuals are just men, that we are liars and so on, and then offered me his help! How horrible is that? How can someone with that kind of experience turn to spewing the most transphobic statements? I was polite and considerate, in view of the fact he probably is not in the best place right now, but then... thought how ignorant and inconsiderate his comments were... geez, speak about self-hatred... I didn't tell him, since he seems very intent denying all his transsexual past, but come on, you don't transition out of nothing, he cannot ignore the fact he was a woman for a while, he will have to accept this part of himself as well... not to mention the constant reminder of his neo-vagina... (Write my body )

NHS [20 Aug 2008|07:00pm] Should the NHS be expected to fund treatment for transsexual people and if so, what parts of the treatment? I am wondering because up to now, what I was able to get on the NHS was: - psychiatric evaluation and follow-up, where basically, I am asked to attend interviews with psychiatrists at the Gender Identity Clinic at CHX. The NHS covers this in order to make sure I am going through the "Real Life Experience", but the GIC does not provide any support in this RLE. - Hormones, but then only after I started living as a woman. The expenses I have had to cover were: - Facial feminization surgery (£14000 in Thailand), to enable me to live as a woman without constant fear of assault and harassment, as the NHS considers this as a purely cosmetic vanity treatment. - Hormones prior to transition (about £500 over one year), to achieve feminization and a certain measure of alleviation of gender dissonance when I was living as a man, as the NHS will not cover hormones for somebody who is still living as a man. - Specialized counselling (£800 over 10 sessions up to now), as the NHS will not fund counselling for TS patients as we are expected to deal with transition on our own. - Laser hair removal (£1500 for 12 sessions up to now) and electrolysis (at least £2000 up to now), as the NHS considers those to be cosmetic treatments and does not see anything wrong with being a bearded woman. - Voice coaching (£700 for about 8 sessions), in order to learn to speak at a higher pitch. What I will probably have to cover myself are: - Breast augmentation (£4500 in the UK), as I have had only minimal breast development with hormones but the NHS considers this to be purely cosmetic. - Castration (£2000 in Thailand?), as the GIC at CHX will not approve such a procedure as it does not fit what a transsexual woman is expected to want (i.e. a transsexual woman is expected to want a vagina and should not want to keep her penis). I know that my case is far from unique, and that I am actually lucky (in statistical terms) to even have access to the GIC, so I was wondering why the NHS refuses to cover most of what would make the transition of transsexual people easier? I read some official documents outlining the NHS's philosophy regarding TS treatment, and apparently they consider it as a low priority, and will not fund most of the procedures out of concern for how helping out TS people might be perceived in the wider society (i.e. they think people would protest if TS people had access to funding). I am wondering if that is correct, and if not, what is the reasoning behind the NHS's unwillingness to provide coverage for most TS related procedures. I don't feel it is normal that we are expected to take up most of the burden for transition. Does the NHS actually consider that being transsexual is our own fault or a choice? If not, then why is it that for example treatment for cancer will generally be covered while treatment for TS people will not? Is there some logic in all this or not? Those are actually serious questions for me because I am starting to really wonder if somewhere out there the NHS has got some kind of point and I am too stupid or self involved to understand why I am 'low priority' and 'second rate'. I also wonder, if the NHS does not have a point, why their policy is not being challenged. From what I know about the NHS, they primarily work on the basis of 'common practice', i.e., if they can show that other PCTs or other countries treat TS people the same way as they do then it is OK to limit treatment for TS people. Since most countries are even worse than the UK then it is OK for the UK to treat TS people badly. I wonder how one can get out of this vicious circle and actually start improving treatment for TS people. I also know that the NHS uses a criteria for funding which takes into account the benefit to society of the treatment of an illness or condition. If I understand this correctly, the reason they do not want to fund treatment for TS people is that maybe they do not believe TS people can make a valuable contribution to society (i.e. for example they can't get jobs because of discrimination so it is better to try to prevent them transitioning), or maybe they think that transitioning does not improve the quality of life of TS people (they seem to think we are just deluded). I don't think those kind of financial criteria are appropriate, and even if they were so, I don't feel the NHS is right in believing that supporting TS people is a bad investment and money would be better spent in other areas. Not that the answers to those questions and others will make things better for me, but frankly, I am just wondering why it is I am faced with such difficulties in front of a body, the NHS, that I would have expected, naively perhaps, to be supportive. It would make it much easier if I knew exactly what kind of reasoning they are using, and no, just saying they are transphobic does not help (if that was so, then it would be easy to protest). (posted to tguk) (Write my body )

Try-out? [15 Aug 2008|06:49pm] She was walking in the night. In her black dress she was barely visible in the dark grey street. She liked listening to her steps echoing on the brick walls. There was no one around, which made her slightly nervous. She thought how as a woman she needed to be on her guard at all times. Why was she walking like this, alone by night on the street? She couldn’t think of a good reason, really. Maybe this was just one challenge, like when she decided to spend a day without eating or a night without sleeping. No clear reason then, merely the desire to do something a bit out of her humdrum life, to feel like she was alive. Now she reached the end of the town, and the night starts feeling colder. Around her were the fields, many fewer sounds, she could even hear the furtive animals in the hedges. She thought of spiders doing their business weaving their webs and how she hates getting caught in their meshes. No chances of her spending the night there; that was for sure. She just had to go back on her track then, and of course it is on the way back she started longing for home, her bed with some hot drink by the side, alone with her thoughts. She did enjoy certainties and routines, a stable place to stay, safety and security. Nobody around, she couldn’t even frighten herself. It was cold. She braced herself, folding her arms around her chest. She noticed in passing the places she went by on the way out, the coffee shop on the outskirts, poorly attended, the park she went jogging sometimes, the train station and its parking, almost empty. It had only been one week she had been back to her parents' place, in their absence of course as she could not stand them. She was getting some rest and couldn’t avoid remembering some moments in her past, her childhood, that feeling of being powerless. She did not want to get into this but couldn’t help bringing this back to mind. She did not want to feel depressed or bored, and couldn’t see any point in reliving the discouraging parts of her past, especially when they felt so similar indeed to her present. Maybe it was time to wake up and face new ambitions? (Write my body )

TS Bingo! [12 Aug 2008|06:48pm] So I have designed my own version of the "transsexual bingo", based on an idea I saw some time ago. http://vriane.free.fr/TSbingo.pdf The principle is that you cross each square as soon as you hear a corresponding comment. You can play this at the start of your transition, or you can have individual cards for each different person you have to discuss this with. For example, my father will score quite different from one of my brothers, who himself scores differently from a colleague. Obviously, this card applies to transsexual women mainly, but I am sure transsexual men can do their own version just by switching 'man' with 'woman', 'feminine' with 'masculine', etc, when appropriate. Enjoy. (Write my body )

De-transition [04 Aug 2008|06:46pm] Today, I received very bad news from a friend of mine, whom I met in Thailand at Dr Suporn, where she had just had SRS. It would seem she had decided to de-transition and go back to living as a man. So now I guess I should call her him. He gave me links to some of blog posts (he set up a blog for this), where he writes rather movingly about his feelings now, how he feels so angry at himself and wondering about his future and how he could have done what he did. I do hope this is just a phase and he is just panicking about being a woman now (the same way as at the start of my transition I would have panic attacks wondering if I was doing the right thing). But it might be that he actually did make a mistake, this is not unheard of (though very rare, especially at this stage, there was a recent case in the UK where the guy (wrongly) sued his psy for letting him go for it). Anyway, this is a rather sobering event, and this makes me all the more cautious before going for SRS. A sure thing is I will go for some additional sessions with Demsky, who helped me figure out my decision to transition socially, so as to discuss whether and why I would want to have SRS. At the moment, the only thing I am sure of is I want to get castrated (what an ugly word), so I don't have to take hormones at a high dose my whole life, and so I don't have to worry about seeing my medication discontinued and having all those nasty male hormones undoing the nice work the female hormones have done on me. From discussion with the psy at the CHX GIC, it seems they are MORE reluctant to do castration than to do SRS. I think this is because to them you can only be either a man or a woman, and any woman who wants to retain her penis at least for a while must be either confused or just plain weird or not in any of their categories. I tell you, those people can't handle anything beyond the sex binary. Anyway, it seems however I could go for it as long as I have 2 years RLE and a surgeon agrees to doing it. At worst, I would have to get this done in Thailand, if the NHS would not cover it. It can be quite cheap down there. Sounds very complicated to get castration in view of eventual SRS, but then, I just don't want to make mistakes, and everyone has got its own path. Note: I have also been following news on the trans-blogosphere and beyond, and frankly, things are not very joyous for TS people around the world. Let's just say it is really difficult for us to live full and secure lives. Either you limit yourself and are very careful in everything you do or say, or you try to live fully and enjoy yourself, and then the risks rise exponentially. Like, going out with a guy seems like a very risky proposition given the number murdered and abused. I am trying right now to find some guy to go out with, via Internet meeting places and dance clubs, and it goes OK as I have a number of proposals, but frankly, all this is rather frightening. Oh well, life has to be lived. (Write my body )

Yesterday [01 Aug 2008|06:42pm] Appointment with a breast surgeon, to discuss breast augmentation. Seemed reasonable enough, explaining the limits of what he can do (e.g. size, cleavage). The day before, meditation at the Buddhist Centre, and yesterday, felt same feeling of peace and love of people, as taught. Or maybe it was the glass of rosé I had just drunk, along with paté and bread, at 'Le Pain Quotidien', a nice place in London where you can get typical French fares for about £10 (last time, I had a cheese board, along with Rosé, which is the only wine I can stand drinking). I don't remember what I had to say about my feelings and experience as a woman up to now, as I reached 1 year anniversary of FFS on 9th of July and soon reach date of 'official' transition, when I sent my letter announcing transition last year to all and sundry (i.e. family and colleagues and friends). Oh yes, what I wanted to say was that being a woman I think has made me much more human, that is, it allows me to feel things I never really felt before, and that are supposed to be part of the human experience. For example, I didn't really understand what motivated people in living, frankly, but now, I feel things like ambition or envy, the desire to be accepted, even, sometimes, the desire to be loved. While previously, I can remember the time when I had acknowledged that my only desire was to have something to eat and somewhere to sleep, this is starting to change now as I start to understand other people's perspectives. for example, when I read books now, I can get more fully into the characters and situations. When I speak with people, I am more aware of what is going on in their mind (though of course I don't know if this corresponds with what is in there, but at least I imagine something). Actually, it is starting to get quite hard to know how I thought previously. Probably not so different, though it seems very distant. Also, and this is something that is more directly linked not with being more in tune with myself, but with being a TS person in a transphobic world, I am also more in tune with society, i.e. its mechanisms and how they limit us, its rigidities. I think this makes me understand better the side of the less privileged, when otherwise I was part of the fully privileged, now I am part of a minority always at risk of segregation. I do keep however the privilege of a good education, and for that indeed, I am grateful. But I also can see and understand better the side of the oppressed and deprived, while previously, I saw really no point in social protest. Anyway, no time to go much into this, this is just a signpost of what is going on in my mind, just so I can remember that it was not ever so, and so I can realise when it will not be so again. (Write my body )

Facebook [29 Jul 2008|06:40pm] There was a bit of activity on my Facebook account today; a friend friending me, and for the first time I returned the query... previosuly, was so afraid of getting involved I never friended back... my fear is mostly from all those articles about horrible things happening to Facebook users, such as getting their networks analyzed by lame journalists when they die killed off in horrible murders (the two poor French guys killed in London this summer come to mind), or having their identity stolen, or posting pictures they regret later, etc. To me, Facebook is the dark side of LJ without its bright side, i.e. the clever, reflective, amusing and spontaneous entries that flourish here... and have no place on Facebook. So all that to say I plan of keeping my involvement on Facebook very limited, i.e. completely passive; if people want to friend me, so be it, but I will certainly not start obsessing about it. I am approaching this August with some relish, as if I manage it well, this will be the opportunity to finish reading long suffering books, finish off projects, make progress on others, all that in a rather relaxed environment... I just need some discipline. For the last few months, I have been preparing with dread for leaving yet again my existing environment, trying to figure out what I will do next, and stressing up about how difficult for me it might be to get a new, decent job... I really hate moving, which is rather paradoxycal seeing how I have been moving around incessantly for a long time... but this time it will be more difficult, what with prejudices, surgeries to plan for, probable change of career, desire to have time to flourish in my new gender identity, etc, etc... So yeah, in such times, I tend to try to reduce my 'baggage' to the max, i.e. throwing things away and not buying new stuff... and also keeping my eyes open for any opportunities that might arise, any ideas for a job I might enjoy doing... I think the thing I fear the most is being encumbered by material things... hence my frequent nightmares about packing things up... and my constant stress over moving and what to do with my stuff... separation... did I mention I am very insecure? (Write my body )

Thai designs [25 Jul 2008|03:03pm] So, borrowed a book about thai design with lots of illustrations from newspapers, lottery cards, maps, books and wish cards. I know this sounds bad, but I do like the naivety of Thai illustrations, in the same way BTW I like to watch the more down-trodden areas of London. At the coffeeshop today, a woman next to me who was monopolyzing more than 3 seats with her bags told me to move away when I installed myself next to me... I complained to the staff of course, and she went in a rant. The guy next to her then started to call her a foul mouthed nasty woman, to which she replied 'oh but well, I am not fat', and then she came to confront me telling me 'but who do you think you are'. Then she pushed aside my coffee and spilled it all over. I dipped my fingers in it and sprayed some of it on her white dress, and then went upstairs with a new espresso. Frankly, what a nasty crazy woman... I had really through leg waxing done today, and I met a girl harp player busker whom I had met at a friends' party a while earlier, as she was playing on the street. She is a bit chubby and reserved but kind of cute I think, as she does not seem to be quite sure what she is doing. (Write my body | 4 wrote on me)

Topical [24 Jul 2008|03:01pm] So, not much news of great interest, been having to work quite a bit revising stuff. The weather is nice finally, and I feel really good in my skin, confident. Too bad I don't have boobs to show off in a nice cleavage... this is sth I really want to fix, as my boobs didn't grow satisfactorily, but I was denied funding for this by the NHS, and after FFS, I really don't have the money to pay for the op. right now... Other than that, getting used to the fact I will lose my job next year, so I have to think what I want to do next, and I really got no idea; I just want a nice 9-5 job with no great deal of stress and a good salary... which frankly is rather difficult to find those days... (Write my body | 1 wrote on me)

XXY [22 Jul 2008|03:00pm] Saw movie XXY, misleadingly titled since the main role is hermaphrodite, not XXY. Anyway, I was rooting for her to take up hormones again and not let herself become a guy... though I guess this is because of my own experience. Realizing she may decide to become a guy was a good experience for me, as I realized how hard it is to accept someone changing gender. I realize now some people may actually have been comfortable with me as a guy, even though I really hated being a guy, and they would really have felt sorry, unable to understand and at the same time unable to do anything about it when I decided to change gender. It was good there was no conclusion to the movie, i.e. we don't know what she 'chose', as indeed the movie suggests one may choose not to choose (between gender, or, more to the point in this movie, between genitalia). Though how this will pan up is not clear, since choosing not to choose here may mean either keeping on the hormones (and then keep on the choice to stop later on), or stopping hormones, and then become masculine. Anyway, at the end, I really felt fittingly detached from the destiny of the main role; I guess this is a message from the movie, it does not matter that much how it will end up or what choices will be made. It is just a matter of respecting choices made and not feeling like one has to intervene or push things. I felt bad for the boy being told first by the girl that he was 'not the kind she would go for' and then by another guy that Alex was too much for him, and then by his father that he had no talent, and that he feared he was gay. The surgeon really ended up being revealed as a pushy homophobic jerk. I felt bad for his wife, probably the sister or a good friend of the mother, torn between her husband and her friend/sister, feeling rather inadequate indeed. I felt uneasy waiting for the movie to start, in the corridor leading to it, fearing people were looking at me. Everything was fine though, the audience was rather respectful of the movie, and in the loo, one girl asked the other if she had cried during the movie, so I guess they were touched by it, which is a good thing I guess. (Write my body )

London [20 Jul 2008|03:00pm] Was in London for extended week-end, based on an appointment to the GIC CHX. Gound the time to do quite a few very enjoyable things, in disorder: Thursday: Visit new exhibitions at the Tate Modern, briefly, and then had the most perfect selection of cheese close by at ... Hotel was real good, with even a kitchen, and a room on the top floor, i.e. no noise except that of mice running on the roof. Chic quartier (Earls Court). Friday: Went to the British Library, got a membership card and consulted books on the novel in Thailand. Quite bad ones, but I did enjoy the place. Then, dinner at an Indian Thali restaurant, ..., not too bad. Saturday: Very long and windy day, first went to Holland Park to see the zen garden, downpour forcing me to a cafeteria filled with kids. Then took bus 31 on a long trip to Camden Town to finally arrive to the Hampstead Heath. Got chatted up by a builder there, Irish Joe, who had just taken his plunge in the ponds there. I don't know what it is with carpenters, but they do seem to have a lot of appreciation for me, the guy repeated I was a very attractive girl, which of course was rather pleasant indeed. Had sandwich and ice cream at a cafeteria, then long walk to Camden, where bought high heels. Completely exhausted and dehydrated, so, after slumber back at hotel, ice cream and cappuccino at Italian place nearby. Sunday; Woke up at 10:45, had to hurry to free the room in time, then went to V&A museum to see the fashion and have a coffee (seated next to some sort of painter/writer writing words such as 'fuck' in his letters...? Then not a lot of cash, had a foul soup in a cheap place, then after fetching luggage back at hotel, trip to Liverpool street and had coffee at cute French place nearby and the manager tried to chat me up. On the whole, good relaxing long week-end, well planned and filled with rather enjoyable moments. I am quite happy with all this. The whole week-end I was quite well awake and alert, and really making the most of it. Rather happy also with my diet during this time, as did not eat a lot, resisted the urge to have lots of expensive little snacks. Was quite reserved and severe during the whole time, maybe trying to impose myself as a 'serious' woman, or maybe not wanting to be bothered by people. Not the ideal customer, but not an annoying one either. Maybe need to relax a bit more and be more open and confident with people. Always wary that they will find out I am TS. Saw quite a bit of crap TV, like the show with guys who try lots of stupid stunts, show with search for 'missing model', i.e. handicapped one, some shows about prostitution and/or sex, a show with competition among chorals, a bit of 'Big Brother', a voyeuristic documentary on kid who is encouraged by her parents to become a model at 12, lots of those police shows with car pursuits and arrests, etc. On the whole, quite happy I have no TV and I don't get infected by the kind of ideals presented there. But also interested in what is presented there; no big wonder people don't always get their priorities straight. And yes, I do enjoy and feel engaged by those shows. I always end up thinking about motivations of participants, of broadcasters, etc. (Write my body )

Disaster [16 Jul 2008|02:56pm] So, long time no write. Party on Saturday, weird, before that, complete failure of a gender studies reading group, with group leader mixing (again) my name up, and me leaving, receiving support from another member who caught up with me (and then we had nice coffee together). On Monday, went to see a TV guy in his house, only place where he can dress up. He told me he had decided to transition. We will see how this pans out. On Tuesday, nothing I think as I was not productive, I don't remember anything.... oh yeah, I did have a research meeting, and then there was the procession for the graduation ceremony for our school (first time I did come to one of those ceremonies, I did quite like all the dressing up with the English costumes (gowns) involved. Then Wednesday, boring administrative gathering, turned out less boring than usually is. Tomorrow, leaving for London, got quite a few things to do there, will be nice I hope (all depends on if hotel pleasant in some sense, I do like to have a 'home away from home'). I have lists of things to do for cheap in London, so should be busy. I may go to the Old Bailey to witness a trial, and then may go to Hyde park where there is supposed to be a TS/TV/TG gathering, and then would like to go to British library with all my papers ready to join, and then... maybe go to a gay club amongst the many in London... maybe pick up a guy. Oh, then of course, reason I go to London is for CHX GIC appointment, where basically I have got to tell them everything is fine and dandy in fear that they would make it more difficult for me if any problem were evoked... the assholes... I don't trust them, not one bit. Seeing how I was held up for one year at the start of my transition for saying that I was not 100% sure I wanted to transition. Not going to express any doubt or worries ever again, nope, that is a luxury I will certainly do without... Didn't feel pretty or feminine today... I guess because woke up late? Or not in good mood? Anyway, gotta deal with it I guess... (Write my body )

60s [08 Jul 2008|02:55pm] Today, did shopping morning for 60s clothes. That was for a costume party. I did not read the invitation correctly. This was a hippies theme. So now I will come as a 60s girl who did not get on the hippies bandwagon. That means mauve mini-skirt with black dots, knee high black socks, shoes to be found, tight fitting black sweater, or a long loose fitting one, and a long green plastic necklace. OK I think. Then afternoon, not productive, attending a few of a workshop sessions. Then coming back home. Watched the end of 'I am a cyborg. And that's OK' of Park Chan-Wook. Tomorrow, birthday, will go see Narnia 2 with friends, and then get a glass of wine. Thursday, reading group. Saturday, go to Cambridge and 60s hippies party. So... busy. Korean friend, TC, told me won't be around in August when I was going to visit her. I think she is not too sure about having me at her place. Or maybe another problem? Anyway... maybe will go see friend in Leeds who invited me as well. (Write my body )

Daddy-oh [07 Jul 2008|02:54pm] My dad was there for two nights and one day, we had a barbecue in the garden in front of my house. He just retired, so we talked about what he was going to be doing; a memoir and research into the French postal service. I talked about what it is to be transsexual, and how I felt about my parents. We went for lunch to a fish restaurant, Loch Fyne. We also had dinner before his first night, at a Spanish restaurant. He drinks Scotch whisky before every meal. Except at my place, where there is no alcohol. The barbecue was simple; sausages, tomatoes and rice. It was strange as I hadn't seen him for more than 4 years, or maybe 2. I feared seeing him again, but it did go well indeed. Apparently, he thinks I have a nice face, and he told me it was good I transitioned in time to be a good looking woman. He regrets that this transition will hurt my career and my chances in society. But then, what can I do. I can't change myself, and I can't change society. So well... (Write my body )

Timetabling [04 Jul 2008|02:53pm] Not much there, but my July month should be OK, with a number of stuff to do, like a long week-end in London where I will sample a bit of the 'scene'... maybe. I quite like the summer right now, been spending a bit of time taking care of the garden and all the flowers. Picked up a red poppy today, they are so cute, so fragile, the way they envelop your nose when you smell them... always loved them. Yesterday, finally finished submission for a project of mine, was quite happy about it, as this means I have some new free terrain to work on as I finished old projects and can work on new ones. Actually, feel a bit without direction, though of course it is not for lack of stuff to do. So yeah, looks like a decent summer profiling... have to remember to pass citizenship test and apply for British citizenship during that while. (Write my body )

Wordle [03 Jul 2008|10:09am] This apparently is a summary of my journal in the last few (years?) (months?) (weeks?)? Anyway, I feel is is quite representative, and it looks good too! (Write my body )

Rennes [01 Jul 2008|10:29am] So last week was in Rennes, for work, and met sister living nearby, the rabid catholic one, and she was surprisingly relaxed. Actually, she looked rested which is not a state I have seen her often in since she has 9 boys to care for. So it was nice and we had good conversations. Of course, at the end, she wanted to talk about my decision and ask me if I was really sure, so I had to explain stuff to her, which was really difficult as I have no idea why I am TS and actually, the hardest thing for me was to accept I couldn't explain it and I just had to live with it. Then, today, last session with psy, and I am quite pleased with how this course of session went and ended, seeing as it seems that I solved, at least for the time being, the anger problem that was making me act very aggressive and irrational when confronted. Phoned father today to finalize travel arrangements and dates, and he didn't first catch my name and asked 'excuse me Ma'am, I am not sure I caught your name' which was fun because now at least he won't be able to pretend my voice is not up to notch... So, he is coming Saturday. Will see how it goes. (Write my body )

Eldest sister [21 Jun 2008|10:28am] Wow wee, seems like a long time didn't update. Anyway, got laser eye surgery a week ago, that was not too painful, the only problem being the recovery and how my vision fluctuates quite a bit a my eyes go real dry, especially at night. I hope this will get better. Other than that, saw Sex and the City, the movie, which was actually quite good really considering the negative critical review. Was with OP, my main purveyor in terms of TV series; she lent me the whole series of Sex and the City seasons, and also the first season of Ugly Betty with its TS character. Going to France for a conference next week, and then the week after, my father is coming up to my place; first time I will have seen him in more than 4 years I think. In France, I am also supposed to meet my eldest sister, the one who never replied to my mail telling her I was a woman now. I do hope she will be OK though. (Write my body )

Reading list [15 Jun 2008|10:26am] List of books I have: “Whipping Girl: A transsexual woman on sexism and the scapegoating of femininity” by Julia Serano “Wayward girls and wicked women” edited by Angela Carter “Very Thai” by Philip Cornwel-Smith “Thailand” in Insight Illustrated Fascinating Earth Collection “How the dead live” by Will Self “Random House Thesaurus of Slang” by Esther and Albert E. Lewin “Transgender subjectivities: a clinician's guide” edited by Leli Drescher “Frida Kahlo” by Andrea Kettenmann “Superflirt” by Tracey Cox “A chacune son maquillage” by Dorothée Bourguès “The silent cry” by Kenzaburo Oe “The satanic verses” by Salman Rushdie “Bangok Eight” by John Burdett “The unbearable lightness of being” by Milan Kundera “Women who run with wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estés “Conundrum” by Jan Morris “Postmodern American Poetry” edited by Paul Hoover “Light on Yoga” by BKS Iyengar “The Methuen Book of Contemprary Monologues for Women” edited by Chrys Salt “The heart is deceitful above all things” by JT Leroy “The mammoth book of the world's greatest chess games” edited by Graham Burgess, John Nunn and John Emms “Random House Word Menu” by Stephen Glazier “Superhero for hire” by William Shaw “Quintessence” by Mary Daly “The famished road” by Ben Okri “Guide de Paris Mystérieux” Les Guides Noirs, Tchou éditeur “Soul Mountain” by Gao Xingjian “The best of Ogonyok” edited by Vitaly Korotich and Cathy Porter “The second sex” by Simone de Beauvoir “Le moine et le philosophe” by Jean-François Revel and Matthieu Ricard “Théorie de la justice” by John Rawls “The war of the end of the world” by Mario Vargas Llosa “Focusing” by Eugene T. Gendlin “Fear of flying” by Erica Jong “La crise de la culture” by Hannah Arendt “Sarah” by J.T. Leroy “The lazy crossdresser” by Charles Anders “La poésie moderne” by Christine Lombez “Anthologie des plus grandes scènes et meilleurs monologues du théatre classique” edited by Frank Attar and Pascal Huart “Travesti” by Don Kulick “ Middlesex” by Jeffrey Eugenides “The handmaid's tale” by Margaret Atwood “Plays: 2” by Caryl Churchill “Client Centered Therapy” by Carl R. Rogers “She's not there” by Jennifer Finney Boylan “The Poet's companion” by Kim Addonizio and Dorianne Laux “Gender Outlaw” by Kate Bornstein “Holy Bible” by God “The book of common prayer” by the Church of England “Pretty Lessons in Verse for Good Children” by Sara Coleridge “Women, Art and Society” by Whitney Chadwick “Crossing: A memoir” by Deirdre N. McCloskey “The infinite plan” by Isabel Allende “Les Temps Modernes”, N° 3 and 43 “The gulag archipelago” by Alexander Solzhenitsyn “How to walk in high heels” by Camilla Morton “What color is your parachute” by Richard Nelson Bolles “The Lotus Sutra” translated by Burton Watson List of books I borrowed and read recently “The transgender phenomenon” by Richard Ekins and Dave King “My invented country” by Isabel Allende “Gender trouble” by Judith Butler “Cancer ward” by Alexander Solzhenitsyn “Four major plays” by Ibsen “Complete guide to hairstyling” by Jacki Wadeson “Beating anger” by Mike Fisher “Thailand, a short history” by D.K. Wyatt “Video night in Kathmandu” by Pico Iyer “Autofiction” by Hitomi Kanehara “The intimate adventures of a London call girl” and “The further adventures of a London call girl” by Belle de Jour Movies I saw recently (some owned) The circle Central station (Station do Brazil) The hidden fortress The squid and the whale Kramer vs. Kramer Transamerica The official story Chungking Express Welcome to the dollhouse The idiots Le déclin de l’empire américain Mrs Doubtfire Manji Onibaba Scenes of a sexual nature Labyrinth of passion by Pedro Almodovar 20 centimetres At the height of summer (A la verticale de l’été) Funeral parade of roses Bad education (La mala educacion) by Pedro Almodovar Downfall by Joachim C. Fest Azumi The notorious Bettie Page Irezumi To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar Battle Royale and Battle Royale 2, Requiem, by Koushun Takami Sleeper by Woody Allen What have I done to deserve this by Pedro Almodovar Last life in the universe Shiri by Je-Gyu Kang Female Yakuza Tale Along for the ride Ce que veulent les femmes (What women want) by Nancy Meyers Cyrano de Bergerac by Jean-Paul Rappeneau The millionairess by Anthony Asquith My life as a dog by Lasse Hallström Like water for chocolate by Alfonso Arau The wicker man by Robin Hardy Wings of desire by Wim Wenders The madness of King George Gregory's Girl by Bill Forsyth The last emperor The official story by Luis Puenzo Indochine by Régis Wargnier (Write my body )

Danes [12 Jun 2008|10:25am] Geez, was at a dinner with three Danes in front of me, and now I know why they name the dog after them; we started to discuss the Danish cartoons' issue, and they ripped me to shreds because apparently I had reservation in my support for the right to publish cartoons gratuitously offensive to the Muslims. I must say, one of them sounded like an old Nazi lady, and the other was just twisting my words to fit his purpose; up to now, my experience of Danish people has been rather negative I must say. One of those Danes, who thinks he is a big shot somehow, was telling me they did not have enough women in his department and maybe I should apply even though my qualifications were not optimal. Either that asshole was telling me this because he knew I was TS and wanted to embarrass me, or the asshole did not realize how offensive it is to tell someone they might get a job based on irrelevant factors such as gender. I told him the later, but I don't think the idiot realized how stupid he was. I can't believe dummies like that have not been erased yet. And the two Dane girls weren't even offended apparently by what he said... for fuck's sake... (Write my body )

Father calls [10 Jun 2008|10:24am] So got a call a few days ago from my father telling me he wants to come see me beginning July. I was really surprised, seeing as it must be about 4-5 years I haven't seen him or heard his voice. I said yes in the most natural way possible, and we discussed a bit the arrangements (he is going to stay in my place, which makes me a bit nervous seeing as I am afraid of him, but then I couldn't really tell him to go to a hotel now could I?). In other news, gonna get laser eye surgery this Friday to correct myopia, I really hope this goes well, seeing as the two preceding nights I am going out, so may be tired... CP will be fetching me at the clinic and I will have to stay in the day resting. A girl I knew from uni in France is coming to visit and present some stuff and I will entertain her, going to restaurant. I really liked her because she is so beautiful and always smiling, and apparently she has a phenomenal intellect, seeing as her CV is already full of achievements. Kind'a impressive. (Write my body )

Hospital Group [07 Jun 2008|10:23am] Bad experience at the Hospital Group. I had an appointment for a breast augmentation consultation. First, I got stuck in the loos, it was impossible to open the door. I managed to call to open door up, and was told it was my own fault because I had ignored some sort of notice they had put up... nice... Then, the surgeon got all pissy when, while he explains the issue with my breasts, where nipples too fat apart and little tissue available, I say that some surgeons can move the nipples closer, and he starts rattling all his qualifications, telling me he can also do it and who am I to question his abilities and do I have a medical degree... waoh waoh calm down darling... Finally, in discussion with the Hospital Group consultant, when I begin to ask about after-care and what happens if there are complications, she gets all defensive and tells me that it is no good for me to expect there will be problems or complications... what the heck! Way to go! If this is how they react when I mention the possibility of complications, then I don't want to see how they react when there really is a complication! Not to mention the consultant concluded by telling me that maybe I had too high expectations. Apparently, I am not supposed to discuss the anticipated result, in fact, I am not even allowed to form expectations about the result! All in all, a rather nasty experience, the whole climate was rather tense and certainly not comfortable or reassuring. Given the prices they charge, I would have expected at least a minimum of client care, but I realize now this may be very much to ask in the health sector, even the private one, in Britain. Not to mention, well, it is rather humiliating to denude oneself and I am rather self conscious about my breast as any client I guess would be, and come on, the surgeon could at least say something nice to get you a bit relaxed and feel a bit valued... but no, nothing like that... you feel like you are a technical problem to be solved and then discarded. Not even a particularly interesting technical problem... geez, I don't feel good after this consultation, I certainly did not feel valued, that is for sure. I felt so disrespected, at least they could have made some appreciative noises as I felt very pretty that day, and I thought I would at least get some nice remark... but no... I guess making people feel good about themselves would be against their business principles! After all, they make money on people feeling somehow sub-standard... which I don't, really, I don't, just because I want breast augmentation does not mean I think I am not attractive. (Write my body )

Update [26 May 2008|10:19am] Today, I must have spent more than two hours updating my LJ with that whole backlog of entries over the last two years. That was quite a mess, not to mention all the preparatory work for this, ie make sense of all my files created with a variety of applications, not always dated, some lost forever in the 'big crash' of December 2007, some with really bad spelling and too much identifying information, etc... I also spent time working on research proposal, thankfully, and preparing trip to Rennes for conference. That's all! (Write my body )

FYG odieux [18 May 2008|03:09pm] Liste des choses odieuses que FYG m'a dit pendant le week-end: - Je suis trop efféminée, une femme n'aurait pas les gestes que j'ai. - Les transsexuelles vieillisent mal (on the basis of 'women looking like men' he saw in Paris). - I have gained weight. - He would never go out with a transsexual woman (and does not think a TS woman could ever look like a woman, apparently we are some sort of hybrid). - He liked me better when I was a guy (even though I told him I liked myself much better as a woman). - Warning me against hormones, telling me I would get cancer, aghast that the NHS would cover this for me. - Telling me that anyway, even if I got a breats augmentation, I would never get decent sized breasts ('because there is a limit to what surgeons can do'). - My sisters don't want to see me because they are afraid their kids will be 'infected' by me (and he thinks this is quite normal). - At the end, when I asked him what exactly he was trying to do with his incessant nasty remarks, asking me 'but I don't understand, what nasty remarks (even though I pointed those nasty remarks over the course of the day to him). On the whole, however, I guess I am still happy he did come by, and most of the time, I made up for his nastiness by being cheerful and entertaining. We did also have a few decent conversations, so well... I will forgive him, I think, because he is just a rather insensitive and troubled individual with little thoughts for others and their feelings, and he was educated like that and this is more of a family trait than anything... and also he asked sorry at the end if he did hurt me. This makes me doubt I can sustain a visit by Mum though, because while I can withstand remarks by my brother whom I don't care that much about, coming from my Mum it will be more difficult I think... (Write my body )

Cambridge [11 May 2008|03:06pm] Was in Cambridge yesterday, for a laser session, glorious sun outside, spent most of the day in the gardens of Clare College, sleeping and reading on a bench in the 'secret garden', and then watching the punters, all more inept than the other, bumping and falling into the water at regular intervals. That was quite a lovely day indeed, I also met Sara, the TS girl from Cambridge whose diary I have been following for quite a while now. She was nice, we had only one hour though as she had to leave, it might be we get more things to talk about. I spent quite a while looking at other girls' boobs (a nice thing with transitioning is that I can do this rather shamelessly now...). I can't wait to get mine done! Today, another of those nothing days where I wake up too late, and delay doing any work, and then realize, oops, is it really 17:30 now?! Been reading the 'further diaries of a London call girl', finished it right now. Got really annoyed with how she put up with 'The Boy', and quite horrified at the sheer un-healthiness of following his diary and snooping on his email... enough to get oneself crazy I say. OK, time to do at least one hour's worth of work on that damned research bid... I don't know what I got to do tomorrow, as left diary at work, so better come to work early... Ciao, (Write my body )

Sweat [04 May 2008|03:06pm] Have slept much too much for this to be healthy, I wonder why I am being so tired. Worked up a sweat quite often at the end of those sleeping sessions, maybe due to hormones (my levels are very high). Ate too many fruits today, some gastric problem. Gonna go for an eye exam session for laser surgery, should be about £800 for both eyes. Watched series “Diary of an escort girl“, sounds good but I bet I would find the job rather boring. (Write my body )

Wild Side [18 Apr 2008|03:02pm] A good movie, about a TS girl moving to her mothers' place to take care of her after some kind of medical scare, and she thinks back to her childhood as a 'boy'. The actress is a real TS girl, and she is damn cute, with real nice boobs, I can only wish my boob job will be as successful. Anyway, it makes me think how it will be if I see my parents ever again, I am afraid they will not show much tenderness and will be much more annoying than the mother there, who calls her kid 'Pierre' or 'my little boy' or conjectures about the reaction of her dead husband if he saw her as a girl. Oh well, I don't even think I would like to see my parents again in those conditions, I don't think I want to be strong enough to endure this, as they will find ways to humiliate me, anyway. Sad really. OK, not much done today, mostly sleeping, getting electrolysis done, having a coffee, and that is about it, maybe did a bit of tidying up, but really, no, a day off, which seems to be what I need every week, and this has been for a long time now. Ciao, arrivederci. (Write my body )

Discipline [17 Apr 2008|03:01pm] Maybe I should introduce a bit more discipline into the keeping of this journal, so I can have some record of my activities and state of mind over time. For example, the meditation courses I have been taking, or the dinner today with MQ and other people from PHI, or the guy who didn't come for a rendez-vous we had from OKCupid, or the work I have been putting on in research, or lots of other stuff happening in my life. It seems I am being a bit calmer those days, though this evening, I got pissed off with a lecturer from PHI who wouldn't follow me to a taxi to go to that dinner, and I was actually rather rude to him, making me feel bad about it. But as far as recent events go, really, I have been pretty cool. OK, not much to say as I am rather tired and have electrolysis tomorrow, but ciao and good night, arrivederci. Will have to talk about readings and movies seen. (Write my body )

Fish underwater [01 Apr 2008|03:00pm] I was in a dance club and while I was dancing, a very cute TS girl was watching me intently in the face, and I felt like I was a fish underwater being approached by another curious fish, checking me out, so surprised to find another of its own specie. Or so I felt anyway. The dance club caters for TS, TVs and other queer people, as well as those guys and girls who love watching us or chat us up. To say there was a wide diversity of people was an understatement, from old not so passable TVs to gorgeous siliconed young TS girls. Most of the cute TS were either black or asian, and I was one of the few rather OK white TS there. I say I was rather OK apparently because I made out with two rather nice guys there, one a full blooded tranny chaser, whom I was happy to engage with (kisses, french or otherwise, cuddles and other niceties, after all, that is what I was there for), another probably curious about the whole thing, not wanting or daring to go so far as kissing but still managing to grope my ass quite thoroughly (it was reported to me to be pleasurably firm). Anyway, this was a good experience for me, and I really enjoyed watching the scene, even more so making out with those guys. I would say the people there were definitely good fun, with also little apparent back-biting or nastiness, especially towards the less passable TVs around. Yes, it was a bit clickish at times, with many of the girls, me included, trying to see what group they belong to (lots of aspiration there, but then, I guess we all are quite insecure). On the subject of insecurity, quite a few of us seemed really very much self-involved, a few quite clearly indulging into their fantasies with little interest in other people around. Oh well, I am quite narcissistic myself, soo... What I found surprising is how careful the guys were, asking me regularly: "are you ok with that", "are you comfortable with this", "can I do this", "can I do that", etc. I don't know where they got that from, but it certainly is nice. It might be that the girl who runs the club is known to enforce rules against harassment and unwelcome sexual attention very strictly (though I did not see her intervening anytime), or because I did not seem very responsive, or that those guys have experience of TS women and think we like to be in control? I even got asked if I was a lesbian, just to make sure I welcomed male sexual advances! For the record, I answered I am probably bi, in the absence of any proof to the contrary (until recently, I would have thought I was a lesbian, but guys do have their use I think, and I would probably go out with a girl only if she was rather masculine, tough and mature. Other than that, I did spend a lovely time in London, I was in a nice part of town close to the national library and british museum, right next to the best gay bookshop in london, Gay's the Word (where I bought a book by Serrano). I went to the Buddhist Thai temple in Wimbledon, to Little Venice, and Edgware Road which is apparently a very muslim part of town, and to the British Library, where I couldn't get a pass because I did not bring with me a proof of domicile. I was at an OK hotel, except for a nasty employee who was angry I changed room and apparently smudged a pillow with make up in the first room without telling her (for fuck's sake, I hadn't even noticed!). I did go to some good restaurants, my favorite Thai place, a Spanish restaurant, not so good food but amazing liquors, a vegetarian place and a Japanese place where they circulate food on a rail for people to pick up their choice. I got a number of appreciative comments from guys in the street, like 'gorgeous' or 'amazing pair of legs you got there honey'. OK, sexist chauvinist pigs and all that, but still, it is kind of nice... (Write my body )

Beautiful [19 Mar 2008|02:58pm] Is the name of my perfume... by Estee Lauder. And I felt beautiful today, like yesterday, after a few days of feeling not so good. I had a dream maybe two nights ago when I was in a sort of Ashram, with lot of pilgrims, and I had to wear a badge to indicate that I was a pre-op TS. The reason in my mind was so people do not defile themselves by thinking of me as a woman. But I also was proud of this badge, there were only two of those on the table where the badges were, two in the whole of the pilgrims there, and I thought: wow, everybody will notice me now and ask me what the badge means (it was green), because all others would just wear the usual kind of badges for man and woman. Then, I was also quite sad, as I thought why not just be simple and let me be a woman? Have been going for meditation course for about three weeks now, one session per week, one session on mindfulness of breathing, the other on positive thoughts about others, the one today on mindfulness of breathing again. It is quite interesting, the guy who does that is very honest but also enthusiastic. We spend a lot of time comparing our experiences and sharing our questions, and people seem to be quite honest with what they feel (anger for example). Have problems again with SD, who apparently tries to put hurdles in my probationary process. I got my HR person to cry in a meeting with him, well, she was pushing me hard and I reacted. I don't know what it is in me that makes people cry so easily, I must be rather frightening and push the right buttons at the right moment I guess. People are not used to aggression also, and to my insistence and the way I can dig up issues from almost nothing... I don't know what this spells for my future though, because obviously I can't go on getting people so upset without some kind of retribution... we will see. (Write my body )

GP génée [07 Feb 2008|02:56pm] Strange reaction of my GP after putting an implant against testosterone under my skin, she was actually quite flushed and embarrassed, comme si c'était la premiere fois qu'elle le faisait, peut etre trouve t'elle les injections éprouvante, ce serait marrant. Ou peut être était elle soulagée que je ne souffre pas, ou peut être se sentait elle plus proche de moi, peut etre y a t'il une intimité dans ces actes qui la gène. en tout cas, je crois qu'elle m'aime bien. (Write my body )

Regression [02 Feb 2008|02:54pm] Apparemment, j'ai tendance à regresser quelque peu psychologiquement, balbutiant comme un bébé dans mon bain et me teasant de noms comme fi-fille, et autres aneries d'enfants. Bon, c'est un peu un retour en enfance. Sinon, je me parle aussi un peu à moi-même, peut-être un moyen de déstresser? Me suis acheté un joli crayon à dessin, pour faire quelques sketches, j'étais plutôt bonne à çà dans le passé. Me suis sevrée, j'éspère, du jeu d'échec, tans mieux, bien que cela m'ai sans doute donné un boost d'intelligence. Faut que j'entretienne avec quelque chose qui ne m'obsède pas autant. Fini de lire, enfin, les versets sataniques de Salman Rushdie. Du mal à y entrer, mais au bout j'ai bien apprécié et ne pouvait m'en défaire. J'ai encore pas mal de livres commencés à finir. Vais à Glasgow dans deux semaines pour un séminaire, chouette! Vais rester un jour de plus pour visiter. Achetée une nouvelle chouette robe aujourd'hui, assez courtes, avec quelques motifs. Ca change un peu des robes noires que j'ai. (Write my body )

Snow [01 Feb 2008|02:53pm] So finally it is actual winter down here, and it is snowing ferociously outside, and yet again, snow generated memorable dreams in me, why is it that snow has such an effect of deepening my dreams?, is it the silence that surrounds it, the way it hushes up sounds? i so suspect, because those dreams occur without me being aware it is snowing, and only when I wake up do I realize the landscape of dream. So it was that I was dreaming of Paris, maybe having been to Café Rouge, the faux nouvelle époque 'Parisian' café, and alternating between posh 16th arrondissement and my own 7th, le Champ de Mars, sleeping in an hammock beneath the canopy, expressing forced cries at how little my life changed and how it would go on forever, I don't know why I force myself to cry suchlike, this seems a new ability to express pain, loss, to relieve it and feel it to the core. Or maybe there is real pain, loss, grieving, that is going on with me not knowing. So I am, now, writing with the wind outside, I thought I was far into the night, and no, I had simply gone to sleep in plain sunshine, and there I woke up, dark outside, with the white snow falling onto the river, a few passers-by expressing amazement and excited. (Write my body )

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